Music Playlist at MixPod.com

 

Wow... this picture doesn't look like me at all. I guess cuz I'm sick and my eyes look chinkier... Haha!

Another year has come and it felt like I didn't fully soak in 2009 or did much at all. It all went by too fast, but at the same time I was glad it went by quickly because I didn't like 2009 much at all. Looking back, it felt like I did and went through a lot more on my own than any other years before that... half the year I stayed in NY, I made and became a lot closer to my friends in NY, I handled all the moving and packing all on my own, I moved back to California, I got closer to my best friends and became closer to friends, made a lot of new and old friends, I took a lot of risks, and I had a lot of "ME" time. Like with any year, with the good there is always the bad... I can name a lot, but the main one I felt  hurt the most was my career. It's still no where where I want to be, and thinking back... it makes me even more depressed to know that I did all that and nothing was accomplished. All in all, although I know the bad outweighed the good, the good parts out shined the bad parts. 2009 definitely felt like a roller coaster ride in all sorts of ways.

I hope 2010 will go smoothly and that happiness will be there more than sadness. Two nights ago, James and Yuta took me, my sisters, Thao, and George somewhere up near Vista Point... it was breathtaking getting there and being there. This was something I've always wanted to do with the people whom I love, to look at the stars and the city lights. I was overwhelmed with happiness... just being there with them sharing this moment with them. It felt like one of my "THINGS TO DO WITH THE PEOPLE I LOVE LIST" has been accomplished! While being there, I stared at the city lights and it made me think about the past, the people I met, the people I stopped talking to, and who I was back then. It all felt so negative back then. It's actually painful to even think back sometimes... but I know if it weren't for those experiences, I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I know I changed quite a lot as a person and I'm glad that I did, it's due to all those bad things it made me appreciate more, it made me a calm person, and hopefully... a person with a bigger, caring, and understanding heart. I also thought about, "what if nothing has changed... if I didn't change or if the same people that were bad for me were still in my life?" Things like that makes me wonder, it makes me so happy to know what I have now... All these amazing friends and loved ones that are around me. It's just hard to imagine how life brings you up to this point now. I feel like I really am lucky to have met all these wonderful people. Life surprises you sometimes, it can actually bring you unexpected happiness and that's how I feel right now... happy. Of course, there were lots of hardships along the way, but it brought me to here where I couldn't ask for more when it comes to love and friendship. 2010 is looking great so far, if it can always be like this... then that's all I want; for the simple things in life to continue on and make us happy.

Resolutions... I didn't take much time to think about it during New Years, but as days went on... I thought about it thoroughly:
- as always, to become a better person
- to always keep in touch with distant and near friends
- to always be there for my best friends and family
- to keep my new close friends
- to bring a camera and take more pictures for memories!
- go out and do more things with friends and family
- work on my fashion line
- get a job relating to my major -___-
- to lose weight!
- to be happy with myself and with life in general

That's all for now, it's pretty much the same every year plus and minus a few things here and there.

May 2010 be filled with love, happiness, and laughter!

I can't believe Christmas is this week. Time is sure flying by... and it seems like it's going by so fast, I can't seem to take everything in. It seems like a lot can happen in a month, a week, or even a day now. That's how it feels like for me, a fast paced drama... a K-drama to be precise. HAHA! A lot has happened, indeed... An equal amount of good and bad. Although time is passing by fast, the past seems to catch up equally as fast. These past few months I've been given the opportunity to get reconnected with friends from the past and it seems so surreal. It feels amazing to get the second chance to get to know everyone and to be close to them. People change and I know I've certainly changed for the better, and due to this second chance I get to see how amazing each one of them are when I didn't before. I can say I'm quite lucky on that and also very grateful to get this chance. Along the way, I've gotten the chance to get really close to someone special and she's such a beautiful person inside and out. It feels so wonderful to have someone you can relate to and have someone whom you can connect to. I thought that my best friends will only be the ones who understands me or they're all I need, but it's nice to find myself wrong and to be open to meet new and old people again. Life is full of surprises and this one is a great surprise. It's nice to know that you can always find someone new who can one day be your best friend too. Although there are times when I'm deeply sad, it's because of her and all my best friends that pulls me out of it and for that I am so lucky to have them. When I think back to it, even with the sadness...happiness was always there. Lately, I've been feeling very happy inside knowing that I'm getting a second chance in life to start anew with people whom I know I treated bad in the past. I hope all of us can become closer and that our group will become even a bigger family! =)

Although life is not always what you planned or expect... it's due to those things that makes life worthwhile, I guess. Never would I imagine being where I am now on many different levels. Like many of my friends have said, my goal in life hasn't changed, just a new road has open up for me while the old road has closed. I'm glad I can view it like that now, because if I didn't... I wouldn't be where I am now. Although career-wise it's no where near where I want to be... Friends, family, and love is exactly where I want to be at right now. I guess you need to take one step at a time to complete everything, which is what I'm doing. I don't think I have a big heart, but I do have a big heart for those whom I love so much.  All in all, I have to thank my past for this... for all the hardships and heartaches. Due to all of that, it has brought me to here... and if it wasn't due to all those things, I don't think I would be at this point right now. Of course there are lots of ups and downs still, but I don't regret any of what's happening in my life. I don't think I would have been ready to be patient as I am now with the people who I love. Things can be better, but right now... I am content, I can't ask for more than this. I hope that the new year will bring a lot of improvements in life and full of happiness.

Funny how one day can change many things. . .
From great to bad. . .
I've been listening to this song all day, because this is how I feel. If I had to express my feelings from day one to now, this would be it.

far, far, you come from a distance
how must my quivering heart speak?
from the very start, you took my heart
I couldn’t recover from the illness you gave me
I want to become a flower pot
I constantly pray

I want to become a flowerpot at your small window
even if I won’t be able to say anything
from time to time, I’ll receive your smiles and touch
and I could watch your sleeping face endlessly

faraway, faraway, you’re going somewhere far away
How must I stop these falling tears
from the very start, you stole my heart
And made me suffer from an illness I couldn’t recover from
I want to become a flower pot
I constantly pray

I want to become a flowerpot at your small window
even if I won’t be able to say anything
from time to time, I’ll receive your smiles and touch
and I could watch your sleeping face endlessly

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life. " - Bob Marley


I thought this was beautiful.

I'll give you the nervous feelings I've hidden Yeah~
Your beauty moved my coldness
I'll open up my tightly shut feelings to you Yeah~
Your love gave your strong personality a purpose

I didn't at first, but now I can feel your presence
As time passes, I'm changing more and more

Oh this world shines down bright light
She is the girl What she is the one
Everything changes for you

I'll give you the nervous feelings I've hidden Yeah~
Your beauty moved my coldness

I didn't at first, but now I can feel your presence
The world only changes with you in it
Let it change

I'll open up my tightly shut feelings to you Yeah~
Your love gave your strong personality a purpose

I'll give you the nervous feelings I've hidden Yeah~
Your beauty moved my coldness
I'll open up my tightly shut feelings to you Yeah~
Your love gave your strong personality a purpose

Your beauty moved my coldness..

A friend of mine said whenever he listens to this song, it makes him think of me. I don't really know what he meant by that, but I always thought of it as my "theme" song since I like to relate myself to Kim Sam Soon. LOL! Although you can't claim this as your own "theme" song now could you? I guess this song would be considered someone else's theme song if it makes them think of that other person. So I guess it's considered my "theme" song whenever my friend listens to this... if that makes any sense at all.

Anyways, the lyrics are what I'm hoping for one day. When a special someone listens to this song, I'm hoping he would say, "yes, that's exactly how I feel."

Things can change within a blink of an eye. Nothing ever lasts nor does it stay constant. Nothing. Something can be beautiful, but eventually it wilts and dies. Just like people.

It seems as though I'm back to my old ways again or at least... I should be doing that. Growing up to be a caring, concerned, understanding person doesn't seem to work for me. I should stay oblivious and cruel. Caring too much ends up hurting yourself and no one else. Caring for no one doesn't harm anyone because you didn't make the effort in the first place. It seems like I need to stop making the effort. People will always be people. They only care for themselves and only themselves. Whatever benefits them, that's all that matters. Some people stay in that constant motion, so I guess certain things do stay the same. 

I'm tired of making the effort, especially when it's always declined...and yet, people are selfish things, they always ask when or why I don't make the effort after that. It's like a vicious cycle. They ask and I give and they decline. I'm not asking for anything in return, but maybe keep what they say they would do or promise. It's always the same, it seems like I was a wiser person back then than I am now. I need to stop caring and worrying. Everyone eventually... will go away. What is friendship? All it is, is for the other person to not be alone in this world. That's all. To just get attention. Nothing more. I remembered friendship was much more than that, but in this day and age I suppose it's not. Friendship is just connection to meet more people and to meet even more people. Yes, selfish benefits. They always want more. If they're not satisfied with you, they'll go to someone else. If they're tired of the same thing, they'll leave. I have to remember, it's just all for fun. Nothing more. Trusting is such a hard thing to do, and once you do give it... as always, people abuse it. It seems all I get are just lies or secrets hidden from me. Oh well.

It sounds like I'm whining and that I should grow up cuz that's how people are. Well, then tell that to yourself first.




"So this is life"

Summer has been feeling light these past few weeks. Maybe it's due to the weather. It's only hot for a few days and the rest are just normal weather. It's actually really nice. I hate really hot weather, I get cranky. Anyways, lately I've been baking more than usual. I guess it's due to my mommy being obsessed with my baking. She keeps asking me when and what I'll be baking. Apparently all her coworkers love my baking too! It's not hard... just follow the recipes, but I don't follow them entirely... sometimes I think they add too much sugar or butter so I tend to reduce that. Also, instead of putting entirely all purpose flour, I would half it with whole wheat flour instead. SOMEWHAT healthy, right?! LOL!
I do love baking, it's another one of those stress relievers for me. Some people bake just to eat it and not really care about presentation, others care more about presentation and lack the taste of the baked goods, while others care about the whole package. I'm the later. I like to eat something pretty, I think it makes everyone happy to look at something they're about to eat with awe and delight and when they take a bite... it's like heaven.
I don't think I would make this sort of baking obsession as a career, it's just for mere enjoyment. I think if I would have to make hundreds of the same thing over and over again, I wouldn't enjoy it anymore.

I thought this summer would be more of a relaxing and focusing on myself, but I guess not. Plans do change, at first I did want to do everything with my friends, but it started to look more difficult due to different schedules. Now, the plans seem to be in check again. I'm glad, so far it's been fun and nice. I do get my "me" time and my "friends" time. A good equal balance.


Lately, a lot of the guys I am acquainted with or ones I just see at the mall or whatever annoy the shit out of me. I hear them complain about how ugly or fat or whatever the girl looks like thinking they're the shit and whatever. It made me think and observe about society. Why do men care so much about how a woman should or shouldn't look like? Why should they have to have a nice ass body while the men look fat and ugly? The men gets to say so much, but I don't think I've ever heard a girl complaining about how ugly guys are...ok sometimes! I mean, majority of them are dating fat, ugly, hairy, and/or bald men. I mean, they wouldn't even look at a girls way unless they have a gorgeous body or face, what makes the guys think they even have a chance?! It makes me wonder if girls are just too nice and just date them thinking they would be nice guys, even then... the ugly mofos don't even treat their girl right! Maybe I'm just biased cuz I'm a female, but hey... I call it like I see it.



I've been looking at a lot of interior designs as enjoyment and inspiration. As promised from my last entry, I said I would post pictures of what I was talking about.






I love the feeling and the color scheme. When I move out again (whenever that'll be!), I will use these pictures as a reference. Looking at them makes me feel at ease, I want that kind of feeling as well when I create the interior of my next (small) home.

Lately, I've been inspired by things that have a light, airy, calm, pastel-like, worldly feeling to them. Whether it's from music, a home, an image, or clothing. I'm highly inspired by them and I feel so at peace. It's weird. I've also been obsessing with stories & mangas that are fantasy-like that takes you to another place and time like for instance "the twelve kingdoms" and "bride of the water god", the list is quite endless. As for music, I've been listening to Chrono Cross like crazy, the anime OST to "the twelve kingdoms" is really good and I recommend it to everyone, and lots of light Korean music... thus my mix pod playlist. Maybe it's another phase of mine. My wardrobe has changed again. I'm minimal on my make-up and my clothing style is a lot more... innocent girly. A lot of Korean girls dress that way, maybe since people keep saying I look Korean, I've been thinking like one when it comes to fashion! DDD= No, I'm jk. Please, no circle lenses. >____> But I haven't worn my bleu contacts in a long while, I guess it's due to me running out, but I'm starting to like my brown eyes...it's refreshing...for now. Or maybe I got over many many things. I don't know.

Summer has been nice, but nothing magical yet. Probably why I keep reading these fantastical stories.

 

Haven't posting my daily doings lately. I suppose it's due to me appreciating things around me more and wanting to try new things.

( another time, another place... )





I took this picture one day, this is actually my next door neighbors home. He recently got married and his surroundings has become even more beautiful. I love their chairs and table. Whenever the weather is nice, the couple would sit there and talk while playing chess. Isn't that adorable?! Mom told me about that when I found their home to be beautifully fascinating. Although my neighborhood isn't adorable or nice, but doesn't this picture seem to make it look like it's from another place?? Ahhh... the power of photography.
Anyways, it's like what I always say..."a home always needs a woman's touch." =)

We were always together
The two of us walked down a straight road
Separating into two,
we walked off in our separate ways

I hold to this chest that overflowed in loneliness
Even now, I look up at a sky that seems about to cry
I thought of you…

*Even in the nights without you
like that, no more cry
I won’t cry anymore
Because I’m trying my best
Because I’ll become strong
You must be watching too
This crescent moon that seems like it’ll disappear
Because we’re connecting
Because I love you

The days when I warmed my completely chilled hands by myself
I so, so yearned for your warmth

No matter how much I was told “I love you” on the phone
I couldn’t ever rely on you
I wiped my tears…

Even in the nights without you
like that, no more cry
I won’t cry anymore
Because I’m trying my best
Because I’ll become strong

Next time, when will we be able to meet, I wonder?
While embracing the batteries up until then
I said the one word that you love

*Even in the nights without you
like that, no more cry
I won’t cry anymore
Because I’m trying my best
Because I’ll become strong
You must be watching too
This crescent moon that seems like it’ll disappear
Because we’re connecting
Because I love you

I stretched out my hand toward the crescent mooon
Let these feelings reach you